I hate the Dentist! And to think a actualy wanted to be one for 8 years of my life! Did you know that dentists have the highest suicide count of any other profession! I guess it is because they develop this complex because they feel like people don't like to come see them so they think they have no friends....? Anyway, it FUCKING hurt. He had to give me 3 shots of novicane and now.....I can't feel my face. :(

Summertime, and the livin is.........Different. I really feel like this summer has been like an entire year. Soo much shit has happened both amazing and confusing. I can honestly say that I have fostered over twenty new relationships with incredible people in the past three months. People who have supported me, grown with me, lost with me, cried with me, danced with me, confused me, intoxicated me, disappointed me, and walked with me. I think I am beginning to understand how to answer the biggest question hovering over my head for the past year...How to exist in a world w/out football games and senior proms. A world w/out movie nights at friends houses or rehearsals for the high school musical. Im learning to to live now in a world full of work, passion, learning, expression and people who aren't afraid to disappoint you because they won't have to face you the next day by the lockers. No, it's far to easy for them to run now, run and hide in a big city or in a town of ivy. Im so incredibly happy that I have come to understand this. I went through a hell of a lot of shit to figure it all out, but I'm grateful for that. So am just going to keep on dancin through life, so excited, so grateful, and very very ready.

The other night I decided to try this acting exercise I learned at the New School that required me to sit down with a journal and write fervidly, not stopping or really even taking time to think for an hour...

Its amazing what comes out of you after a glass of wine at midnight on a Friday night. I wrote so fast that when the alarm went off I felt like I had been writing for 60 seconds, not 60 min. I closed the journal and was surprised that I was afraid to read what I had written. I didn't remember at all, I couldn't recall one thing I had put down on paper. I nervously opened the journal and counted 34 pages. I had filled 34 pages with word vomit out of my head and had no clue what it said.

I still haven't read it. I'm not sure if that's part of the exercise or not. Do I open it and read all the crazy stuff that flooded from my brain, uncontrolled and un-bound? Do I leave it in there, shut away, leave it in it's new home creating much needed space in my head?

hmm, ill just breathe about it.

Several days ago, one of my best friends from home was put in a compromising position by her boss. She has been busy with her investigators and counselors and even took a self-defense class with her mom and sister the other night. We all have been stopping over to the house and spending time with her.

This person is probably one of the strongest and resilient people I know, so it blew me away to hear that something like this could happen to someone like her. What drives a person to put a young woman in such a horrific situation is beyond me...

She has trouble sleeping at night so me and my mom went to Build 'a Bear and made her a teddy dressed in a Yankees uniform. Tomorrow night we are making a big lobster dinner together. I love her to death, her power continues to astonish me.

...The idea of Blogs always seemed a little twisted to me. I suppose it's considered a journal for the public. But can anyone be completely honest in their writing when they know it is to be read by those who inspire the writing in the first place? Whatever the case, I was inspired to create this wall of my ideas by an amazing teacher who I worked with this summer at The New School For Drama. Her Blog is incredibly inspiring, lovely to read and wonderfully motivational. I'm not expecting to achieve this with my writings of a crazed twenty year old, but I hope to atleast brush the surface.

For those who don't know me, my name is Ryan. I was a perfectly wrapped Christmas present to my mom on December 24th 1986. I am an only child and grew up in Clifton Park NY..what many have come to call Pleasantville haha. My beautiful parents, Deborah and Lester (yes that was almost my name) are incredible, successful, and most importantly endlessly supportive of me. I am a performer and director with a work ethic and drive that help me to achieve great things on the stage. I have wonderful friends, wonderful teachers, and wonderful dreams.

I just had probably the most important and influential summer of my life. In June I attended the New School For Drama's summer musical theater immersion. Yea, ok so it sounds like theater camp but it goes so much farther than that. I don't know if anyone will ever be able to understand what those of us in this inaugural class went through, worked through, and achieved in these four weeks. People ask me everyday what happened, what went on, what did I learn, who did I meet. I tried at first to describe it but soon realized that you can't put into words an experience so deep and altering. When I think of it I get images of sweeping colors, deep reds and silky oranges. I see blinding lights and the deepest darkness. Rivers of tears, both happy and sad. Prickly energy running all over my skin and arms wrapped around me so tightly, holding me, keeping me from melting away all over our yoga mat covered floor. Hours of creating, sweating, pounding,re-evaluating,discussing,listening. We all kept a journal of our daily classes and I ended up with over three hundred pages of what I consider to be loose leaf paper lined in gold. So many images come to mind when I simply inhale and think of this place causing me to smile like a five year old.

Relaxation and breath are the most important things in life.

Redemption is only one inhale away.